A look at the first few days in the Celebrity Big Brother house, which this year seems to have struggled to find anyone famous to inhabit it.
Day One saw the three famous faces and 10 nobodies try to get to know each other a bit better by working out real connections that they have with each other.
The connections were based on embarrassing things that they have done in their past that they have in common. Words that associated the nobodies and celebrities included ‘Been Arrested’, ‘Slept with a Reality Star’ and ‘X Factor Reject’ all which apparently make you a celebrity in 2012, well on Channel 5 anyway.
So who are the famous three in this year’s Celebrity Big Brother? Well we have former Coronation Street actress and current Loose Women gobshite Denise Welsh, there is Gareth Thomas, an openly gay rugby player and Natalie Cassidy of EastEnders fame.
Day Two started with the housemates asleep in the house but one housemate was snoring very loudly, that was Michael. If you have any idea who he is, because I don’t even though he’s appeared in 150 films or so that I’ve clearly missed.
Reject Frankie and some bloke called Kirk are smoking in the garden and mention how nice, famous-only-for-f**king Ryan Giggs, Natasha seems. Michael asks Natasha what she does, “Are you a singer.” He asks, “It’s a bit embarrassing actually,” Natasha says, adding, “I’ve been dreading this moment.” She begins, “I had a really long affair with a footballer who then happened to be my brother-in-law.”
Nicola and Andrew talk about dancing and his job as a choreographer. Andrew talks about his life and says that his biography “would be interesting.” Really. * yawns *
Denise does what she always does best and talks about herself. The violins come out as the old depression story is rolled out for the millionth time. The mood lifts (not) when Gareth tells the housemates that he is not proud of some of the things he has done and tells them that he was married to the “most amazing girl,” before coming out as gay. Then the violins reach fever pitch as reject Frankie tells the housemates that he “chucked in my chance on the biggest TV show, I did a line of cocaine and the whole country knew about it.”
Kristina and Karissa were in the kitchen. Kirk was in the bathroom contemplating having a bath. We’re in for a gripping series as you can tell. Later Kirk asks Georgia, famous for getting her tits out – that makes you famous these days apparently so the girls of Newcastle-upon-Tyne will be enjoying their new celeb status today – “Are your boobs real or fake,” Georgia replies that they are.
Day Three thrilled us all as Big Brother woke the housemates with the song ‘lets get physical’ and Natalie jumped out of bed immediately and started to dance. In dramatic news Natalie told Denise that she felt the bathroom was getting messy. Denise said that she hadn’t noticed.
The housemates were in the living area waiting to greet the special guest who was to lead their daily task. Jodie Marsh, another famous for whopping her tits out, walked in and greeted all the housemates. She may have even known who some of them were.
In day two it had been revealed that Andrew had once auditioned for, and been very much rejected from, The X Factor. Andrew went to the Diary Room to talk to Big Brother about the revealing of that experience. Andrew said that it had upset him, and he started to cry saying “It’s just a new experience in here”.
The housemates take the piss out of Andrew while he’s crying to Big Brother.
The sexual tension in the house is getting too much for Kristina and Karissa, the models who get their boobs out for the boys. Oddly despite the fact they provide so much masturbation material via Playboy they were not impressed with reject Frankie talking about ‘wanking’ (“I need to have a tug sooner or later”, he had told the housemates). They also didn’t like the boys having their hands down their pants all the time. They comment, “you wouldn’t see Michael or Romeo doing that.”
At the garden sofa Michael and Andrew are discussing housemates, Andrew says “I still can’t tell which is which” of the twins. Michael comments
“who – Kristina and Kristina?” Andrew and Michael laugh and Andrew says that was funny, if rude, Michael says “It’s not rude, its just reality. Its what they are paid for – It’s because you’re twin broads”.
Reject Frankie later asked questions about Playboy and made a cheeky sexual joke to Kristina and Karissa, who wonderfully hit back at the talentless no-mark with “listen here Justin Beiber”. Reject Frankie didn’t like being bitten back and immediately got up and walked to the the diary room unhappy, Kristina and Karissa say that he “can’t take a prank” Reject Frankie responded with “get these f*****g twins out now”. Such a charming young reject.
As I lose the will to live we reach day five in the house of the few celebrities. It is the morning after Big Brother revealed that Andrew and Georgia would face the public vote. Natalie talked about her concerns at nominating Andrew. She says that she feels she should explain her reasons for nominating him. She says that he has reacted so badly because he has “delusions of grandeur” and “is desperate to win this for his career.”
Later Georgia tells the group that she is also upset about being up for nomination but “he’s sulking all the time.” Natalie agrees that he is being “childlike” and says that she can’t forget her previous “spat” with Andrew when he said “I know my stuff” and that reject Frankie will never be a rock star. Well he got the latter right anyway. Though he could be the next Chico, he has about the same amount of singing talent… zero.
Speaking of limited talent, Jedward were briefly back to set a challenge for Natalie and Denise. Jedward revealed that the secret task was to steal Michael’s cowboy hat and bring it back to the secret hatch in the garden. “We’ve got to make this work Nat because then we might get cocktails”
The girls manage to nick the hat and later Jedward delivered the task reward to the diary room. In the bedroom, Michael was looking for his cowboy hat, upset that he couldn’t find it. “I don’t like games” he said. However Denise and Natalie loved it after being called to the diary room to receive their prize for completing the challenge.
The prize was their favourite meals and large glasses of wine. “We’re just gonna have to tell them [the housemates] we’re not hungry [at dinner time]” Denise said. Natalie laughed, held up her wine, and added “we’ll go out pissed!” she laughed. “It’s wine o’clock!” giggled Denise.
Much later Georgia, who I’ve forgotten who she is or why she’s famous was in the hot tub along with the Playboy tits-lobbing-out Karissa and Kristina. “I hope they didn’t pee in this thing!” the twins squeal, referring to the boys. “I had a shit though!” reject Frankie shouted over.
Day Six saw Big Brother proclaim “Once upon a time in a land far away – well, Hertfordshire – 13 special people lived in a very special house. These people were so special that they were known as celebrities.” Once my laughing fit passed, I knew it was time to give up and wait for the eviction.
The news of the first eviction of Celebrity Big Brother 2012 was broken to the housemates with shocking live twist of events. After the first nominations over the weekend, Andrew Stone and Georgia Salpa had faced the public vote. However, the housemates were unaware that there was to be a surprise eviction.
Last night, the first person to be evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house was Andrew. Upon leaving Andrew told Brian Dowling “It’s all pantomime really but I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. I’m like Marmite TV, you either like me or you don’t”. Or we just don’t have a farking clue who you are love.
In yet another surprise for the house, Georgia was called to The Diary Room and told she must nominate two housemates to be put up for eviction this Friday whilst the other housemates watched on the screen in the living area.
She chose Nicola and Natasha saying “that was really hard because I love everybody”.
Highlight of the week: Reject Frankie showed his arse, which is clearly his best asset. Oh and we’ve put in a funky little feature for CBB highlights this year! Click the images on this page and you’ll get a much bigger version to enjoy.
Celebrity Big Brother airs nightly on Channel 5.